From Rags to Righteous!
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Like many of you, I was in a rut just stuck trying to figure out whether or not if I wanted to move forward & trust things will get better or stay in a environment & situation where I'd become conducive to.... right when a gleam of hope appeared, I made a decision to move on with my life without looking back. Around the time when I was 15, I was done being everyone's hang up child - I mean I had tried my best to ignore my situation, but the pain & frustration had gotten a hold of me. I had the kind of mama that said "what goes on in my house, stays in my house!" ... that was never an invitation for me to share outside the household of what I was going through... but when you get to a point where you feel like "Enough is Enough!" -- you throw all that out & fight for your sanity.
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The last thing I wanted to do was lose my family & their love towards me. But after opening up and telling that I was being sexually manipulated by someone who my family found favor in - was by far one of the craziest turns of my life. It was then when my friends were closer to me than those who I expected to protect me. I felt alone & forgotten. It was like "get over it" ... "it's not like you were raped" kind of comments I got from my family. Anyone going through this or have experienced this - find it very hard to not be bound by sexual perversion or sexual scare (especially at an age you're trying discover your identity)... & for me, it was a scare. I never wanted anyone to touch me or say anything that made me feel like they desired me for sex.... it was awful! Any guy I dated after that would really have to not initiate holding my hand or kissing me. It was very uncomfortable. If I was dating someone and if he was to mention anything about sex or tried making passes at me, I would feel like no - not again! There were times I would come VERY close to having sex with a guy but the thought of him taking something very precious to me felt degrading & violating.. it may be hard to believe, but "they" wouldn't pressure me at all & not wanting to make me uncomfortable doing something would be traumatizing rather than enjoyable. I was searching for love & acceptance. When your quote-on-quote "family" makes you feel like an outcast, you look for it where you can find it. |
| (With 2 close middle school friends. from the left, me @14, Katrina, Chanel) |
School was where I felt free because in my own home there's was chaos & neglect. My peers made me feel wanted and safe. I never had to worry about a thing. Even the guys I began to date made me feel loved & appreciated more than my family. Things were great there but when I got home it became the very place I resented. It had gotten so crazy to the point that I just wanted things to be over it with already. There was really no one to turn to ....but GOD!
During my sophomore year in high school, my family & I relocated to Jacksonville, FL. For me, leaving my friends was like losing my identity! but I figured I had no other choice so I adjusted to the new living arrangements. I told God (even before I was saved) that I was just tired of all the shame & abuse.. and asking Him "why was I going through this?" I felt it wasn't fair! I thought it would never end, so i made up my mind that when I turned 18, I'm moving out & so far away from my family that I want nothing to do with them anymore! I remember God telling me "not to worry because that guy won't ever touch you again." Things were okay & much more different after moving to a different city, at first.. the abuse had ended, great! But I was left scarred, shameful & most of all full of RAGE! I wanted to take vengeance upon myself. After many attempts, I couldn't proceed. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I took someone else's life. So I considered taking my own... & initiated suicide a few times, for some reason I really couldn't go through with that neither. There was no way I could shake it & feeling like "WHY ME?" and feeling like I was the only one going through this...... One day I stumbled upon the Ten Commandments which convicted me to a point of repentance. This was the first time in my life I felt God was really trying to get my attention. God was telling me that I couldn't help what I went through but I had the responsibility of FORGIVING! I was hungry to be free, I wanted it badly. Not very long after that, I called on Jesus & asked for forgiveness... and along with that came healing & restoration. I then asked God to fill me with His spirit & love like never before!... There was this feeling that came over me that left me completely speechless....... all I could do was cry tears of joy until I fell asleep.... the very first night of my life I slept peaceful & like a baby! I was truly beginning to feel like someone LOVED me in spite of my failures and what I thought I had became. Then, it was for sure that I didn't have to worry about a thing. Christ came into my life & truly transformed me from the inside out!!!... not only did I forgive the one that hurt me but I had to forgive my family for not being there when I needed them the most! But it was far greater than anything I had EVER experienced. I no longer carried bitterness in my heart, unforgiveness, and rage. Christ gave me a reason why I should let go all that had been planted on the inside of me & had given birth to - a young broken & messed up girl. My future was filled with so much "hope" & "potential"!
During my sophomore year in high school, my family & I relocated to Jacksonville, FL. For me, leaving my friends was like losing my identity! but I figured I had no other choice so I adjusted to the new living arrangements. I told God (even before I was saved) that I was just tired of all the shame & abuse.. and asking Him "why was I going through this?" I felt it wasn't fair! I thought it would never end, so i made up my mind that when I turned 18, I'm moving out & so far away from my family that I want nothing to do with them anymore! I remember God telling me "not to worry because that guy won't ever touch you again." Things were okay & much more different after moving to a different city, at first.. the abuse had ended, great! But I was left scarred, shameful & most of all full of RAGE! I wanted to take vengeance upon myself. After many attempts, I couldn't proceed. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I took someone else's life. So I considered taking my own... & initiated suicide a few times, for some reason I really couldn't go through with that neither. There was no way I could shake it & feeling like "WHY ME?" and feeling like I was the only one going through this...... One day I stumbled upon the Ten Commandments which convicted me to a point of repentance. This was the first time in my life I felt God was really trying to get my attention. God was telling me that I couldn't help what I went through but I had the responsibility of FORGIVING! I was hungry to be free, I wanted it badly. Not very long after that, I called on Jesus & asked for forgiveness... and along with that came healing & restoration. I then asked God to fill me with His spirit & love like never before!... There was this feeling that came over me that left me completely speechless....... all I could do was cry tears of joy until I fell asleep.... the very first night of my life I slept peaceful & like a baby! I was truly beginning to feel like someone LOVED me in spite of my failures and what I thought I had became. Then, it was for sure that I didn't have to worry about a thing. Christ came into my life & truly transformed me from the inside out!!!... not only did I forgive the one that hurt me but I had to forgive my family for not being there when I needed them the most! But it was far greater than anything I had EVER experienced. I no longer carried bitterness in my heart, unforgiveness, and rage. Christ gave me a reason why I should let go all that had been planted on the inside of me & had given birth to - a young broken & messed up girl. My future was filled with so much "hope" & "potential"!
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Yes, finally... for me that was a turning point in my life! School was still a place of happiness in with friends & people who accepted me... but now I have found a NEW MEANING for life so I no longer "NEED" love & acceptance from them.. but Christ has become my all in all! He has become my everything! In Him, I found my worth, my value & He restored my virtue - my sense of well being. He showed me just who I am in Him - royal, beautiful, chosen, & RIGHTEOUS! When my past came knocking on the door, Jesus was there to answer to it. I mean He has become my Protector, my Comfort, my Best Friend, my Redeemer and the One I turned to for all that concerns me. My story may not be your story - but whatever it is that you went through, are going through or have done is NOT the end. Just like me, you can have a new beginning. Don't you or you let anyone put a period where God has placed a comma (,) ... the BEST for "you" is yet to come! I believe that God is working on you right now. What you go through in life had to be allowed by God. He won't put more on you than you can bear. Trust that He will take what "the enemy" meant for you evil & turn it around for YOUR GOOD! (Genesis 50:20) Don't give up on yourself, don't throw in the towel... Christ has already provided for you a way out & a plan for your life! I had a rugged start, but Jesus has given me a beautiful ending... & He will do the same for you if you let Him :)
Be of good cheer for I have Overcome the world. - Jesus
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| (My gorgeous cousin Truniece & I at her wedding reception July 31, 2011) |
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